How to deal with difficult people at work
Let’s be honest…
Are you getting crazy at work due to another person’s behavior or attitude? Have you ever worked with someone who doesn’t seem to get along with you? Is it challenging to deal with difficult people at work? We’ve all encountered difficult people at work, regardless of the industry. They may be your colleagues, managers or your boss.
By difficult people, we mean those whose behaviors or attitudes don’t match with ours. They…
- have certain characteristics which don’t match with ours.
- have certain personality traits that make it difficult for you to communicate with them
- push our buttons to push their agenda
- rarely listen to others’ opinion
Now you’re clear, who I’m talking about ….. We can’t always control who we work with, and how they act at work. What we can control, however, are our responses to those individuals. How will we choose to confront the problem? How will we examine our own biases and behaviors? And how will we develop our own healthy practices of self-awareness in the workplace?
So, handling difficult people is more about you and your reaction.
Difficult people do exist at work. They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your professional courage at work. Dealing with difficult people is either easy or challenging for you depending on the type of difficult person and the situation you face. They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Why it’s so difficult to deal with difficult people at work
You might know the feeling well–you’re speaking with an especially challenging person at work, and you can feel your body temperature start to rise, your heart pound faster and your breath shorten. In other words, you’re getting angry or stressed.
Confronting a terrible coworker might feel like it should be less frustrating than talking to, say, a difficult family member. But the truth is, bad relationships at work awaken the same sort of emotional response as any other tense interpersonal situation–physical stress induced by hormones like adrenaline, cortisol and others (the “fight or flight” hormones).
The bottom line is that conflict with coworkers or managers causes stress, which not only impacts our ability to work and our mood, but our physical health. That’s why it’s so critical to learn how to address difficult people at work.
Doing so, however, can’t be done without strategy or forethought. And it certainly can’t be done out of a place of anger, fear or stress. Instead, learning how to deal with difficult people at work should take an intentional approach that can help to bring understanding, empathy and ultimately, resolution. header
Here are the 15+1 Smart Techniques to Deal with Difficult People at Work
1. Stay Calm
Staying calm is a massive predictor of your performance. So, whatever may be the situation, remain calm. Calmness is directly linked with your performance. When a situation is charged and heated or serious at work. No need to get panic. The best way is to be calm and have patience. Check your breath, slow down and take five deep breathes in and out. During each exhale you will leave stress from your body.
2. Listen to Others
Listening to others is a skill if you want to take communication to the next level. Listening is paying attention to what others are saying. So, your focus should be on what the other person is saying, not on what you want to say next. When a difficult person wants to say something, give him a chance to finish and don’t interrupt. If you have any confusion, ask clarifying questions. Use paraphrasing or mirroring to check the accuracy of hearing. To check other person’s pain or problem. We put our self in different person’s shoes. If someone is trusting in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself. So first listen more to others rather than saying something to them. It improves your credibility with them.
3. Use the S.T.O.P. Model to Avoid Reactivity
This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult personal relationship. S.T.O.P. stands for
Stop whatever you’re doing presently
Take 3 deep breaths in and out
Observe how you feel
Proceed with dignity and compassion
No matter how challenging the difficult person or relationship is, this pause will help to derail the emotional reactions that are primed to take over in the heat of the moment.
4. Learn empathy.
Instead of being defensive, see the difficult person as a person. Try to understand where he or she is coming from. What does that person need that he or she isn’t getting? Perhaps it’s to be seen, heard, acknowledged or recognized. Many of us have likely been there before; we might have even been the difficult person on the other side. Instead of ruminating on how you can get back at them, ask yourself how you can help them. Even if you still believe they’re in the wrong, how can you create a win-win situation now that you have an understanding of where they’re coming from?
5. Don’t take it personally and detach yourself
Don’t personalize anyone’s behavior. Another person’s behavior tells far more about them than about you. When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.
In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate difficult conversations and potential conflict. So, when dealing with difficult people at work don’t take their actions personally.
Do not involve yourself in all the matters. Keep yourself detached from the situation. It helps you to remove the emotion and reduce friction with difficult people as well. When you know someone within the workgroup is not worth your time, then keep a healthy distance and don’t drag yourself in a lengthy dispute with him.
6. Use Appropriate Humor
Humor is the best medicine to defuse the situation in the workplace. It softens the surrounding atmosphere. Humor can deflect many difficult situations in the workplace so inject a good dose of humor at the appropriate time. It doesn’t back people into a corner. Don’t use humor for any person, else it could be hurtful or daunting. The best part of humor is that it separates the negative behavior from the person and brings people back together.
7. Introspect and Take Responsibility
Introspection is the best tool to check where you stand in a particular event or situation.
When you’re feeling frustrated or confused about what to do, recognize that you are not a victim of the situation or that frustrating person.
Practice self-awareness!
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you're not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions, for example? What are my emotional responses to this person? What are my triggers? Am I overreacting? Am I unconsciously biased towards this person in any way? How can I exercise empathy towards this person? Could they be dealing with a personal situation that’s particularly challenging, and causing them to act out
Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (All people do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
8. Don’t Return Anger with Anger
Anger is a sign of losing the battle and making the things worse. When someone is angry at you. Don’t raise your voice or disrespect him. Making noise or shouting another person will not solve your problem, instead, it will make the situation worse by adding fuel to an already heated situation.
So wait for the other person to neutralize and then speak.
9. Handle aggression assertively
If someone is being highly aggressive with you, either verbally or physically, then regardless of who they are it's OK to walk away or say that you are going to put the phone down – and that you will return when they have calmed down. No one at work has the right to compromise your sense of personal safety and wellbeing through engendering physical or psychological fear.
10. Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion.
Talk to the coworker about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
Confrontation 101: Use statements that begin with “I” (rather than “you”) to avoid sounding accusatory.
“I feel frustrated when I’m speaking up in a meeting, and you interrupt my train of thought.”
“I’d like to avoid talking about coworkers when they’re not present. Do you think we can limit these kinds of conversations from now on?”
“I’m feeling micromanaged on the job. Is there any way we can change this workflow?”
These are all examples of ways you can broach a difficult topic with someone without putting them immediately on the defense.
Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case? They may know and recognize their impact on you but deny it or try to explain it away. Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Focus on the one or two actions that hurt or hinder you the most. If you’re concerned about the outcome or simply uncomfortable being alone with the person (especially when you’re discussing with a female colleague), accompany someone (like a responsible co-worker, manager, lead or HR) throughout the conversation. The person accompanying you should act as a mediator ensuring that the conversation remains constructive and can act as an evidence of what occurred.
11. Pick Your Battles Carefully
Keep a watch for difficult people on your job. No matter where you’re in your life you need to pick your battles. Whenever any debate happens, choose your battles wisely and don’t allow yourself to become weighed down. Assess your situation and options considering your priority at the time. You can excuse yourself from the conversation.
The choice is yours to interlace with them or be free from any fight that is draining. Picking your battles will help you to avoid undue stress and free from your co-workers’ problems.
12. Manage Your Emotions
The golden rule to deal with difficult people at work is to manage your own emotions. To master this skill you need to develop your self-awareness. You need to start noticing your feelings, thinking and behaviors… your triggers. The more composed you are during the challenging conversation, the less impact it will have on you over the course of the day. Once you become good at it, you start looking at both sides of the issue. You will be clear-headed so you can assess the situation and determine the appropriate response to change the desired outcome.
13. Treat the Person with Respect
Irrespective of another person’s behavior, showing respect to them will resolve the situation. Difficult people may not have earned respect but you can deal better with them if you show it. When you respond to them with negativity or harshly they will easily dismiss you. You can easily defuse conflict by showing respect to difficult people.
So listen, reflect back and probe: “What I’m hearing you say is… Does that sound accurate? Is there anything else.? Respect allows the difficult person to feel heard. Your aim should be to move the conversation from the problems to solutions.
14. Become proactive.
What happens when someone takes credit for your work or yells at you? You likely become angry or upset. The problem is, most of us can end up spending valuable mental, emotional and physical energy stuck this way. It’s totally draining and only ends up hurting us in the long run. So how can you take a more proactive approach? Focus on what you want. Be clear about your own career objectives, know what you want to accomplish in the next one or two years, and recognize the roles those around you play. The more you focus your actions and attention on what you want to accomplish, the more the difficult people gently fade into white noise in the background.
15. Be Professional
Showing respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with whatever a difficult person says. You are open to sharing your thoughts and ideas as well. Hopefully, if you’ve shown respect, then the difficult person will hear your views with an open mind. Increase this opportunity by expressing your ideas in a professional manner. Avoid showing frustration since you respond to the person. After reflecting back, stay calm as you share your thoughts or feelings on the subject.
16. Find a solution.
Finally, when things get tough, fight the urge to flee. Instead, challenge yourself to be constructive and solutions-oriented. It might not be easy, but if you approach the problem with curiosity, ask open-ended questions, and truly listen with an open mind and without judgment — you might find the answer was simpler than you expected. State your objectives, acknowledge their position, ask for their suggestions and never lose sight of your wider perspective. Sometimes, we are able to choose the people with whom we work, but more often than not, those decisions are made for us. And while we can't always change the cards we’re dealt, we can take responsibility for how we engage with others. Ask yourself what each person can teach you — especially those you struggle with the most. Stepping up and choosing to approach challenging people with compassion and understanding, rather than frustration and resentment, can only make you a better leader and teammate at the end of the day.
Handling difficult people at work is challenging but rewarding. I hope you will find the above strategies useful for dealing with difficult people at work.
Remember that we're all human
It's important to remember that we all have off days and times in our life when things are trickier, and this may on occasion lead us to be less than lovely to people at work. So, patience and some time may be all that is needed for a respectful work environment.
During my course SPEAK UP! we look closer into this topic and develop strategies how to deal with difficult people at work.
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You cannot know everything there is to know about how to get where you want to be in life. While it’s possible to learn the needed skills, this will take time and likely a lot of money. Instead, what if you had someone (or a group of people) who can help guide you to success?
A mentor is someone who currently is where you want to be. The relationship you have with a mentor can be an official one, or it can be informal such as following in the footsteps of someone you admire. Mentors have experience and have gone through growing pains towards success. They will know what kinds of training you may need or skills to develop.