VISIBILITY FRUSTRATION (and the solution)
The difference between showing up and showing off
Most women tell me that they are not comfortable in the limelight. That they prefer to stay in the background. That self-marketing sounds like self-praise to them. And somehow they know they should be more visible, but it just feels so wrong.
What is the solution?
Force yourself? Overcome and deny yourself? Or stay the way you are and just do without success? Neither of these are good solutions.
Let's take a look at the people who are naturally and willingly visible: They enjoy meeting new people and networking with them. They enjoy discussions! They talk about their work with confidence.
How does that work? The answer: They don't observe themselves and the reactions of others critically: How they come across, what someone might think about them, whether they might say something wrong, etc. It´s not something, thy consider. This way, it´s not a chore for them. Instead they do it all by themselves. It's not one more thing on their to-do list.
It is simply WHO YOU ARE.
One statement I often hear from women is:
“Katharina, I do not want to talk about my accomplishments; for me, they are part of my job, and it feels like showing off, if I talk about them. I rather just do my job and get it done. The results I achieve speak for themselves.”
Therefore I would like to spend some time on the topic and focus on the question: What is the difference between showing up and showing off?
A significant aspect of this question is the fear of being judged by others. It is the imagination of what the other person might be going to say or do, and your imagination of being judged. This leads to you not saying or doing what you want, even as all you want to do is just show up.
But, what holds us back? Is it the underlying belief that everything related to show” will be judged as ‘show-off’?
Let’s go back to the meaning and the perception of the two phrases “show off” and “show up”.
What is the difference between the two? The definition of Showing off according to the Collins English dictionary show off vb (adverb)
1. (tr) to exhibit or display so as to invite admiration
2. (intr) informal to behave in such a manner as to make an impression
informal a person who makes a vain display of himself
Most will describe a “show off”-person as self-centered, acting out of their ego, making others feel like they are less worth than what they are, acting like they’re better than everyone else. Women often perceive this as a lack of humility and an act to take the stage with something that, in their eyes, is not really exceptional (but just business as usual).
The definition for show up according to the free dictionary
1. To be clearly visible.
2. To put in an appearance; arrive: Don’t show up late.
3. To expose or reveal the true character or nature of: showed their efforts up as a waste of time.
4. Informal To surpass, as in ability or intelligence: She shows up all the others in the chorus.
So “show up” has a positive connotation. And the expected outcome of “show up” is, that you are your best self when you are visible, you are true to yourself, you are proud and aware of what you did accomplish and how it contributes to the bigger picture. You truly make your performance and your potential visible to your peer group, leadership, and clients.
The difference between show up and show off is what is happening in your mind. The main difference is how you and others perceive a message. We should not stop ourselves from showing up and feel good because we are afraid of the possibility of being judged. It is crucial for yourself to show up, be seen and receive feedback.
To SHOW UP is essential for your confidence.
Recognizing your successes and talking about them is a true confidence booster. Talking about your success will help you understand how your peer group, your line manager or your customer value your contributions. You get direct feedback. Only actual feedback will help you to learn and grow further.
Showing up means you become visible.
When you are not visible, you can not be seen. But visibility is not just there by itself. You need to help others to see you.
Let’s face it; there will always be some, who will perceive you as showing off when all you are doing is showing up. Don’t completely ignore their feedback but handle it with care. Maybe it is more about your presentation style than the content.
The positive effects of showing up outweigh the negative effects.
The next time you find yourself holding back and not showing up, think about the missed opportunity to be seen, the missed opportunity to be proud of yourself and feel good and the missed opportunity for actual feedback.
When you hold yourself back because you assume someone might think negatively about you, when you think someone else will talk about you, then just remember: You don’t really know what others are thinking! All possible outcomes exist just in your head! Only one thing is sure: If you don’t show up, you and your contributions won’t be noticed.
Next time when you hesitate about contributing and complain about not being noticed, remember the song “Mackie Messer” from German author B. Brecht containing the famous quote
Some are in the dark
Some are in the light.
The ones in the light are seen
The ones in the dark you can not see.
In coaching, I therefore not only give you strategies on how to do self-marketing, but most importantly, I show you how to do it JUST like that. (How to get rid of those voices in your head).
Help others to see you. In my course SHOW UP! we start exactly with this topic. This is the start of training your success muscle. Click here when you want to join the waitlist to get the most recent information.
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