Most of us were taught how to speak, how to present clearly, how to make a good argument, defend a position, ask questions, make a point, but few of us have been taught how to listen. We may have been told to listen or scolded for not listening but seldom taught how to do a better job of it. So, we grow up thinking that listening is “not” doing something. That it is passive. We are either good at it or not. But that is not really true. Listening is a skill that can be learned and developed like any other skill.

Listen before you SPEAK UP!

Active listening is one of the most critical skills in effective communication. Having the ability to listen actively can help you find success in any career. It can help you build and maintain relationships, solve problems, improve processes and retain information, such as instructions, procedures and expectations. The most important part: with active listening you ensure that you stay present and can respond to the topic. When you then speak up you ensure that it adds value.

Active Listening Techniques

Active listening is an important life skill. Your listening skills can impact many aspects of your life, including how well you do your job or the quality of your personal relationships.

 If you're serious about maximizing your success, then you have to be serious about becoming a strong communicator. Although good communication skills include the ability to share ideas through speaking or writing, listening is a key essential component of good communication.

Listening is an important part of the communication process, but it's not given the attention it deserves.

Simple Active Listening Techniques Anyone Can Use

Being heard and understood is a need for every member of the human family. We all want to know the people in our lives care about us. 

Having someone listen and respond to your needs can help you feel important. Conversely, you give others a boost when you listen carefully to them. This is where active listening techniques become important. 

Maybe you haven’t heard of active listening before. Basically, it’s listening with the intent of understanding the total meaning of what’s being said. You do this by allowing the person to speak without interruption, and then you repeat back what they said. 

The goal of active listening is to improve understanding between both parties.

 You may not believe it, but there’s more to listening than merely being quiet. In fact, someone who’s an active listener will encourage the speaker to talk, try to clarify any points they don’t understand, and be sure they’re aware of the speaker’s intent.

 An active listener will enable the speaker to feel like they’ve truly been heard and understood.

 Before you begin a conversation, especially if the subject matter is important, be sure you’re in a location where you won’t be interrupted by noise or distractions. This sets the stage for a meaningful conversation.

Here are some techniques you can use to become an active listener:

When someone is talking to you, be fully immersed in the conversation. Be attentive.

Because most of us can't do two tasks at once (or at least do them well), stop what you're doing when another person speaks to you. If you're unable to pause what you're doing, let the person know. Ask the communicator to stop speaking for a bit, and mention briefly why you're asking them to wait. Say something like, "Can you wait just a minute? I'm adding up these figures. As soon as I'm finished, I can listen to you." Give the speaker your undivided attention. Turn your body towards them and maintain eye contact. In addition to listening to the words being spoken, pay attention to what is said through nonverbal communication, like body language and gestures, to really understand their message. In order to pay full attention, you must put aside any distracting thoughts. Don't use the speaker's turn to prepare your response. If you're thinking of what you'll say next, you're likely to miss what's being said now. Stay focused on what they’re saying, without trying to anticipate what they’re going to say next. Stay in the moment. Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal clues. Body language, facial expressions, and posture can all provide a detailed picture of what’s going on.

Body language is integral to listening. Give the speaker cues to show that you're listening.

Confirm that you're listening by using visual cues through gestures and body language. Leaning toward the person who's speaking also demonstrates that you're paying attention to the speaker's every word. A quick and easy way to communicate that you're paying attention is to make frequent eye contact. In most western cultures, eye contact sends the message, "I hear you. I'm listening." Furthermore, holding eye contact with the speaker says, "You have all of my attention at this moment." Be aware that the meaning and impact of eye contact varies from culture to culture. So, if you're involved with cultures other than your native culture, it's recommended to learn about that particular culture's view of eye contact. Nod when appropriate. This action shows your agreement and makes it clear that you're engaged in what the speaker's saying. Smiling, laughing and other appropriate expressions are clear responses that will let a person know you really are hearing what's being said.

Share with the person what you just understood him to say. Respond to their message.

Maintain a welcoming, open posture to show you're receptive to what the speaker has to say. This might include facing the speaker, leaning toward them, and staying alert. Short interjections like "uh-huh" or "yes" encourage them to tell you more. To make it clear that you're actively engaged in a conversation, periodically summarize what has been said. Paraphrasing can be particularly useful when someone is sharing personal feelings with you. This way you can be sure that you have a clear understanding. Ask questions to clarify points you don't understand. Let the speaker clarify. As the listener, stating what you heard allows the speaker to correct or clarify his remarks. The speaker then hopefully replies something like, "Yes, that's right. Can you do it?" or "No, I'm not talking about today, I'm asking you to pick up the kids tomorrow because of my dental appointment."

Fight the urge to speak. Avoid interrupting.

Always be sure to allow the speaker to complete his thoughts. Interrupting someone is both rude and disconcerting. It also prevents you from hearing the full message. When the speaker is finished, respond accordingly and appropriately, offering your ideas and opinions in response to what he said. While you may not always agree with others, you must still be respectful. Sometimes when you're engaged in a heated conversation, you start to concentrate on what you're going to say next. You may even be tempted to open your mouth before the other person is finished. Make the extra effort to keep your lips sealed until they're through talking. While they're speaking, don't worry about what you're going to say or how you're going to say it. Instead, focus on the words and body language of the other person.

Focus your thoughts on the person's words. Concentrate on what the speaker is saying.

If you're not accustomed to focusing intently on the words being said, it may take some time to change your habits. As with anything, the more you practice, the better you'll become. Repeat the speaker's words in your mind to help your mind focus on the meaning and prevent it from drifting off. Even if you think you know what they’re going to say, try to listen to what’s actually being said. Ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask your conversation partner to elaborate on what they're saying. If you need further information, then ask for it. The important thing is that you understand what they're trying to get across.

Avoid letting your personal preferences affect how you listen.

Try to keep your personal beliefs from clouding the speaker’s statements. Don’t jump to conclusions. Regardless of what the speaker says, don’t make assumptions or judgments about what they said. Find out all the facts and ask questions if you need to. If you don’t understand what’s being said, clarify by asking questions. Refrain from interrupting. Ask your questions in an even tone of voice when the speaker pauses. Try not to become distracted or lose track of what’s being said.

Be patient.

It's also important to maintain patience, especially when working with people who may be shy or may not have the ability to communicate very well. If you're not patient, you may end the conversation prematurely or scare off your conversation partner. Follow your partner's lead. Being an effective listener doesn't mean that your only job is to listen. You can certainly add to the conversation, too. At the same time, you don't want to overpower the conversation. Add your input when they ask for it or when they've finished their point.

When you understand what you're being told or asked, effective listening has taken place. If you believe you could benefit by focusing more on people who are speaking to you, you aren't alone. You'll be surprised at how differently you'll hear things as an active listener. If you follow these tips, you'll not only become an active listener, but a better communicator as well. You can learn how to listen actively. It doesn’t take long and the results will be worth the effort. You, your spouse, business partner, co-worker, or children will all benefit from learning and employing these simple active listening techniques. Strive to strengthen your listening skills. You'll be a better communicator and your relationships with others will thrive!

Remember that practice makes perfect. After you've had an important conversation, ask yourself what you remember from the conversation. Write down the details if necessary. Did you allow the other person to do most of the talking?

The Dalai Lama once said, “when you talk you are only repeating what you already know, but when you listen you may learn something new”. 

During SPEAK UP! my masterclass for women in body language and communication active listening is a focus area.
E-mail me if you want to get an easy exercise How to Become an Effective Listener.

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