Assertive Communication: Challenges for Women in Business
It happens too often.
Women in the workplace want to express themselves authentically, but they hold back because they’re afraid of backlash.
They avoid being assertive for fear of being labeled “aggressive”.
They stay silent in meetings when they have valuable contributions to make.
They put everyone else’s needs above their own because they don’t want to appear uncooperative or unlikeable.
They don’t ask questions because they’re worried about what others will think.
And ultimately, these people-pleasing tendencies, as well-intentioned as they might be, end up holding them back.
Break the Niceness Cycle
Women in business may find day-to-day communications challenging. How do I express my thoughts, needs, and goals with assertion? Will I be perceived as aggressive or pushy? How do I drive the conversation in a way that leads to my desired outcome while maintaining a positive relationship with the person I’m interacting with?
Many women want to develop the assertive communication skills needed to express themselves, deliver a message effectively, and be heard without second-guessing themselves. Finding the right balance between confidence and an impactful expression of your position is key.
Assertiveness is a skill that means demonstrating healthy confidence where you state your rights and stand up for yourself in a respectful manner. You are taking care of yourself by looking out for yourself.
How to Be Assertive Without being perceived aggressive?
Assertiveness is an important skill for effective communication as an adult. Assertiveness allows you to advocate for yourself and your needs in a healthy way. Some people interpret assertiveness as hostility or rudeness. Many factors can go into how assertiveness is interpreted or received. Let’s take a look at ways to advocate for yourself in an effective manner.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is an interpersonal skill. It demonstrates your confidence and allows you to advocate for your needs, desires and boundaries while being respectful towards others. You are taking care of yourself by looking out for yourself.
Steps To Being Assertive:
Ask for what you want or need respectfully
It is ok to say “No”
Speak your mind
Remember that you are not responsible for the other party’s response
You have a right to your feelings
Use “I” statements when speaking
Don’t apologize for your feelings or needs.
Correct instantly if you are being misperceived (for supposedly being too aggressive, emotional, detailed,...)
Delivery Matters
You can definitely be assertive without being rude. Tact is a thing. So is delivery. How you advocate for your needs can make a difference in how it is received. You can be assertive without being aggressive or impolite.
Using “I” statements to convey your needs helps prevent the person you are speaking to understand that you are stating your needs, and not placing blame. At times people may take assertiveness as rudeness when it is not. This is not your responsibility. Stay calm, keep it positive and constructive, but speak your needs.
Practice, Practice
Assertiveness comes easy for some and is an anxiety-inducing challenge for others. The thing is, the more you do it the easier it gets. If being assertive does not come naturally for you start small. Practice stating your opinions in lower fidelity situations first.
Gain confidence as you go. Don’t apologize for stating your wants and needs. Know your boundaries and beliefs on bigger issues and be ready to peacefully and proactively advocate for your needs.
Dont’s
• Placing blame
• Sharing your wants and needs in a confrontational or aggressive manner
• Yelling or shouting
• Being unwilling to hear the other person out
Do your best to stay calm and be diplomatic. Also, understand that you can’t force someone to respect your assertive requests and behavior. You know what is best for you and only you can decide what to do if your requests are not honored. Stay true to your integrity and values.
5 Techniques to Communicate Assertively
Assertive communication is the type of communication that everyone should aim for when talking with others. It is the balance between passive communication and aggressive communication. It is communicating your thoughts, feelings, and opinions clearly and effectively without disrespecting others around you. Use the five techniques below to help you communicate assertively.
Be Confident
Be confident when you speak or walk into a room. Confidence means that you believe in yourself and your abilities. When other people see your confidence, they won’t feel the need to question or challenge it to do your confident behavior.
Be Clear
Make sure you deliver your message clearly and concisely. Be sure your talking points are aligned and flow with the direction the conversation is moving. Don’t confuse people with too many talking points or subjects that don’t align with one another.
Be Controlled
Be calm and controlled with your tone of voice and the speed at which you are talking. You want to sound relaxed and not rushed or irritated. Talking fast can make people feel confused, which will not make them feel trusting.
Stop Being A People Pleaser
Assertive communication does not mean you will change everyone's mind and get your way every single time. However, assertive communication does include making sure those around you know who you truly are while preventing them from trying to walk all over you. People pleasers, as lovely as they are, tend to get taken advantage of because they want to make sure everyone is happy.
Be Present in The Moment
When communicating, be present and in the moment. Don’t dwell on past mistakes or think about others who are not in the conversation unless it leads in that direction. Truly listen to what is being said. Repeat the message to be sure you and they know you understand them. Pay attention to every word they say, don’t say, and their body language, too, so you can respond appropriately. Missing details or bringing up other things can cause distrust and will ultimately lead to aggressive communication.
Practice Fogging
Fogging is an excellent technique designed to eliminate hostile confrontation in a conversation with passive or aggressive communicators.
For example, if a co-worker asks, “Why didn’t you turn in the assignment, you said you would help me with? I am over your lying and trying to deceive me!” You can reply, “Yes, I did not turn the assignment in when I thought I would. I can see this has upset you.” The idea is to have a response that is calm and truthful but doesn’t fully agree with what they are saying to prevent arguing or a negative response.
Developing assertive communication skills takes time and practice. Remember these techniques, and you will be more successful in your career and relationships.
However, sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others.
Changing to a more assertive style may help women get their point across. The following tips for how to increase assertiveness in communications were published in a medical journal (Maloney, 2019):
Listen actively, which means responding to the ideas of others, and building on them with some ideas of your own, if possible.
Find a way to express your views during the meeting, as often as men. If you don’t show who you are and what you have to offer, you are a blank slate upon which it is easier for others to project unconscious bias.
If you find it difficult breaking into the conversation, try starting with, “I have a comment on this topic.”
Think about word choice. Avoid words that sound like you doubt yourself or that soften your impact. For example, avoid, “perhaps”, “I’m not sure, but,” and “sort of.” Avoid apologizing for or diminishing your contribution (“I’m sorry to bother you, but…” or “This may sound crazy, but…”)
Be aware of your body language, voice, and word choice:
Make eye contact without staring and make subtle gestures to make it clear you are listening, such as a slight nod.
When you are the one speaking, make eye contact with everyone in the room, and think about making sure the person farthest from you can hear you clearly.
Avoid raising your voice at the end of the sentence as if it is a question.
Sit or stand straight using a relaxed posture.
Talk to people as if you assume they are not biased and are reasonable, rather than making yourself small to avoid being a target.
Correct misinterpretation of your behavior instantly. Be aware that some people may define assertiveness differently for a woman than a man. The same behavior that might be viewed as assertive in a man, is often called aggressive in a woman (Maloney & Moore, 2019).
Some people even use it consciously to devalue your participation.
Therefore, if anyone tells you in a meeting that you are “too emotional, too aggressive, too detailed,...” don ́t let this stand, as this will sink in with all the participants unconsciously leading to everything you said being slightly devalued. Instead, point out, that this is only the other person’s perception and you think of yourself as being assertive, engaged but calm, being on the right level of detail to address the issue at hand, etc. It will take some getting used to, but will greatly influence your standing, long term.
Communication is part of my program SPEAK UP! as this is still a challenge for women in business, but it can be mastered with practice
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You cannot know everything there is to know about how to get where you want to be in life. While it’s possible to learn the needed skills, this will take time and likely a lot of money. Instead, what if you had someone (or a group of people) who can help guide you to success?
A mentor is someone who currently is where you want to be. The relationship you have with a mentor can be an official one, or it can be informal such as following in the footsteps of someone you admire. Mentors have experience and have gone through growing pains towards success. They will know what kinds of training you may need or skills to develop.